A Beginning

  When it comes to love, everyone deserves to be a little stupid; even those who strive to be perfect all the time. On a second thought, especially those who strive to be perfect all the time. I know from my own experience that trying to be perfect all the time comes with its own challenges. And today, I would like to write the first time I decided not to try for the perfection and took a leap of faith. 

    It was the 17th of September, 2021. It was my first week in my semester abroad, a new city in a small country. I was struggling with being alone after two years of covid isolation, since I was with my family all the time. I felt like a child who was acting like an adult, putting on a brave face. I was alone in new cities before but that time was different because I knew that I needed to build a home wherever I go, I needed to learn how to do that. I needed to remember what it means to be "at home", all the time. In theory, I knew "home" was a feeling you carry within yourself but two years was a long time to spend in an actual, physical home with the people who loves you unconditionally. It was easy to feel at "home" when you were in the home. But at the same time, I knew something was missing. I was not growing up. I was too comfortable. That made some of the decisions I made easier, relatively. I was eager to put myself in difficult situations in order to obtain some grow. And in the depths of my heart, I knew I was ready to fall in love after spending so much time just protecting it rather than giving it the space to love. I was playing very safe for a long time, you know. I was waiting at the bench, afraid of playing the game. I was satisfied with not-winning as well so it was okay. Everything was okay, not great. 

    Back to 17th of September. I decided to go on a date with you. I don't know why I decided so quickly without even spending too long time to speak with you before meeting you in real life. I think you are one of those people who makes everyone around them feel safe, by just existing. I sometimes wonder what would happened if I wouldn't take a chance on us. If I would have acted cowardly. I guess my heart would still be looking for you, maybe we would've find each other in a different scenario, who knows? Or maybe we would have crossed the road that goes to Dom Ter. You would be going to your anatomy class, I would be going home or going grocery shopping. You would probably be on your bike, I would be walking. If we are lucky, maybe we would locked eyes. But the chances are low for something like that to happen since you always look on the ground when walking, and normally even though I always try to look up; since there was a construction going on on that road, I had to look at my feet. So this scenario wouldn't bring us together.  

    Then you decided that we should meet at a cute cafe called "Süti Nem Süti". I was quite eager to say yes since I didn't know so many places in Szeged, yet. You had your afternoon free from classes on that Friday but you had plans to meet with your friends at the evening. I came to the cafe early and you were late, just two minutes, okay. I was surprisingly not anxious. Maybe I wasn't expecting it to be a date, I was just expecting to make a new friend. Or maybe I was just lying myself to keep calm. You were so cute when you entered the door. I remember thinking "he's so beautiful". And the way you carried yourself, there was something so calming about you. Deep down, I think I knew I could share my home with you. The home I was creating in me. We talked for four hours and we talked about everything: our families, our lives, our dreams and plans. I guess when it comes to two of us, there aren't really dreams; rather plans. It was obvious to me that I wanted to see you again. I knew that I could build a love with you, day by day. Maybe that feeling was the reason why I did not hesitate even though I knew we were meant to be apart after four months. I knew it would be worth the sadness of distance. But it was a matter of daring greatly, and we my love, we dared so greatly. 

    "As the days passed, 

     And everyday became precious because of the anticipated separation 

     That's been hanging over us 

     From the first day we met like a shiny axe

     Some would say it was pointless 

     To create a space for love 

     Only to dissent at the end 

     But isn't it the case for every lover,

     Who dared to love so greatly 

     

     As the months passed 

     And the fear of losing one another grew so deeply 

     It became almost meaningless to think about 

     What the future holds for us

     Some would say it was love 

     Who kept us going 

     Even though we knew the pain 

     Waiting for us at the door

     But it was us at the end, who dared greatly."